Rhod Gilbert on BBC Radio Wales.

If you are listening to this, you are listening to Rhod Gilbert's Best Bits, some of the best bits of my Saturday morning radio show, live on BBC Radio Wales. This week, I'm in the studio in Swansea with Mr. Chris Corcoran.

I had a very very very very very problematic night's sleep again. I don't really wanna get into it ... / You're not a good sleeper, are you? / I'm not a good sleeper. I'm not a good sleeper when the bed I'm staying on is possibly the worst in western Europe ... / Wow. / ... uh, in the accomodation facilities that I've chosen. I'm not gonna name the names __ 'cause __ talk__ __ __ __ them first. But the bed I __ on is a disgrace. / Wow. ... Are you paying for this bed? / It is, uh ... it is springs with a sheet cast over them. / No. / Yes, yes, I'm paying for it. / You're paying for it? / __ paying good money as well. It's sort of ... uh ... anyway, that __ been taking up with the, uh ... with the / accomodation, uh, ... / Well, rightly so. / place ... uh, later today, 'cause / taken my suitcase and left __ thought __ I can't go back. I can't. I can't. / Are you sure it was the bed that you were lying on? / I tried the bathroom floor, I tried the sofa, I tried the floor ... / Yeah? / And ... I kept coming back to the bed as the best of those pretty bad options ... / Wow. / ... but only just ahead of the bathroom floor, if I'm honest. / バスルームの床よりほんの少しマシというくらいのシロモノだった。 / Wow. / Yes. For __ luxury accomodation, that's not what you want. / No, it's not what you expect. / Um ... I don't know if it was __ luxury accomodation __ ... uh, anyway, I'm not gonna get into it / which / when I get back, which / I / going back after this. Now, look. This isn't what the show is about. I've got ... I've got an email here from a listener. / Do you wanna set it up? / Well, it's about sleep. I'll tell you / read you / first line / yeah / this is gonna turn into a feature / "Dear Rhod ..." This is from D__ in Cardiff. "... last night, my husband ... husband woke me up 'sleep-clapping'." / Huh. / Yeah. __ __ a nice little story. So, there we are. / That's a good feature. Let's see where it's going. / have you ever been woken up to the person next to you doing a gentle round of applause in their sleep? / No, I ... I can't say I have. / It's nice, innit? It's a nice little idea. I like it. Um ... so, I thought of turning it into a little feature. What is the strangest thing you've ... you've been woken up to ... / Yeah, / ... your partner doing?

Do you know what? I __ on holiday this weekend. I'd gone __ somewhere __ the bed is medieval. Medieval. / Like an actual t__ bed? / An acual medieval torture bed. / Like an iron maiden? / ... How ... if you've got a ... see, again, if you run accomodation, how would you ... I h__ this last year __ on tour when I was / if you run accomodation, / how / you can see ... if you ... if you make that bed, you'd have to go ... __ would be painful to make __ __ kind of bed that / tuck / the sheet around you / actually, probably injure yourself / lose your finger? / You could lose your finger. You probably would have ... / you could easily / __ __ bruise / after making up that bed / Yeah. / it's that kind of bed that attaks you / at / from different areas. You know, you press one place and you get poked at the back by different place. You know, you get ... it attacks you, l__s / It's like an a__ bed? / Yeah. / bed / ninja / Yeah? / So, you move ... you move one way / like a f__ ninja, spring goes __ the other side. / こっちを押すと、あっちの方から飛び出してオレを攻撃するんだ。まるで忍者だ。 / Yeah. / How __ you get away with that? How do you do that? / I know the answer to this. / What is it? ... Yeah, I do, as well / your matress / place you are staying / how / get away with it / you said / What? / how / happen in the first place / how did it happen in the first place? / Hotels skimp on beds 'cause __ the most expensive / get / so, they do everything else / give you a bit of chocolate on your pillow / no / I haven't got that / no, I haven't got that. / All right __ __ a little coffee-maker thing / I've got a ... I've got a mini kettle and some s__s. / Have you got shortbread biscuits? / No. / Have you got, uh, __ __s? / No. / biscuits at all? / No. / Huh. OK. Well, ... clearly, this place skimps on other stuff. / Yeah. / But the point is, __ all the little things / but / expensive bed / thing / they skimp on. They ... they don't mind. / It doesn't have to be an expensive bed / thing / comfort you want / it has to be one that doesn't make you cry. / Yeah. / That's all I ... I looked at it and I thought "I'm going to cry." I arrived at midnight and I thought "I'm going to cry", looking at that bed / you sure / well, at 5 A.M., I was thinking ... at 5 A.M., I was still awake and in pain, being jabbed by this jabby ninja bed, and I thought, "Shall I drive to Swansea now __ __ the radio show and try to sleep in the car outside the BBC offices for a couple of hours? / It was that bad? / It was that bad. / Wow. / It was __ medival, fi__ ninja bed. And I've gotta go back there today __ I've already taken __ my stuff / the room / I can't even look at it. I can't even look at it. Can't even look at it. / Can it be that you are just super-sensitive? You know the story / I'm not __ __ Princess and the Pea. No. ... No. / Are you sure? / No / like, if you put ... / I'm not being sensitive. This / not / princess / put on a matress on __ to test whether she is really a princess / Yeah / loads of matresses on top of the pea, and if the girl sleeps on it and she still feels the pea through the fifteen matresses, __ __ __ she must be a princess ... well, this isn't like that. / Are you sure? / No. It's more like __ princess and the fidgety ninja with a hacksaw. That's what this is like. Honestly you would just / Are you sure it's not / your soft, kind of, luxurious way __ __ that's __ out __ here / good bed / don't forget / I / all over the world all the time, and I'm used to every single level of bed there is, from ... / Right. / ... from the cheapest of the cheap ... / Yeah, / ... to the most expensive of the most expensive / the most expensive / you've got a context / I've got a context with this. This one is a disgraceful m__ t__ bed. / All right, princess. わかりました、お姫様。

Uh ... your texts and emails are coming in hot off, um ... hot off the BBC printer. Korkey and I / little studio in Swansea / Swansea's looking lovely today, by the way, everyone. / What a lovely day! / bank holiday, the sun is out, and, uh, do you know what? You can't get ... you can't get much nicer than that ... is it ... well, I don't know what the beach is called along the __ __ Swansea / Swansea Bay. / Swansea Bay. You can't get much nicer than that. There's my top tip. Get yourself down there. __ __ __ loose end today. / It's a hidden little secret / It is. ... Do you know what / it is a hidden gem, Swansea Bay. / come down out of the house if you are staying in the house in Swansea or Gower or something, and, before you know, you __ on holiday / You're on holiday. / That's __ it feels / I / filmed / the only reason that I spotted it was, I filmed something up high __ I was looking down on __ Swansea Bay / I've lived in this area __ __ __ __ around here / I didn't really know / was there. That's how hidden / notice / Swansea Bay / from the road / Swansea / you don't see it / well, only if you __ really looking forward / how / not notice __ Swansea Bay / 6 miles across. / Yeah, but there was a wall __ __ look over it / you can't see it from the road. / wall of Berlin, mate. / __ __ ... you are thinking of 1989 ... uh ... pre-1989. Now ... / __ you can't see Swansea Bay / you've never noticed / bay / beach __ ... I used to come to Swansea as a child, right? / Well, this is ... all your life, this is the first time you've ever noticed Swansea Bay ? / Carmarthen / 20 odd miles away / we used to come / Swansea / big city / of course / cinema / it had shops you wanted to go to, it had ... it had bars and clubs __ __ ... when I was a teenager, coming to Swansea was a big day out on a Saturday. / Of course. / Right? On the train, and ... this was before __ could even drive, and, uh, I've never / even knew there was a beach here. I've never known that. And I didn't know how nice the beach was until I / up above it, uh, a few months ago / I see / sort of, the city scape / yeah / we / city / down the ar__, d__n't it? / Huh, right. / __ __ __ __, mate. We __ never got down __ the beach. ... But the beach is / absolutely phenomenal. / absolutely beautiful / That's my tip ... my top tip for the today. __ __ __. Here we go. ... / ... Nice jingle. / nice jinble. Uh ... strange things that people do in the night ... oh, yes. Uh, this is coming / your email / original one. Feature 1 ... jot this down, Korkey. Feature 1 ... / Huh huh. / Uh ... 'cause this came in / D__ / Cardiff / nice feature ... nice email. __ __ __ read it to you. / Go. / "Dear Rhod, ... Last night, my husband woke me up 'sleep-clapping'" She's put that in inverted commas. "He wasn't sitting up ... nothing like that ... just lying there, asleep, giving a gentle round of applause." / Huh. That's a lovely example of sleep-walking. / Isn't that a lovely way to wake up? / Yeah. / To wake up, you __ __ huhhh, what's going on __ look across / there's your husband / lying down, gving __ a gentle round of applause. / Right. / Polite even in his sleep. "When I asked him what was going on," ... Presumably she woke him, right? / そこで夫を起こしたんだな。 / Yeah. / ... I asked / what was going on, he claimed he __ been dreaming about ... / 横で眠っていた夫が拍手をしていて、それで目が覚めた。一体何の夢を見ていたのかと夫に尋ねたところ ... / Can I ... Can we guess? / You won't guess. ... I will give you ... I will give you in hu ... I will give you, in cash ... / Yeah? / ... 50 pounds if you__ guess__ this. / Oh, OK. / I would say more, but __ may seem f__ ... I chose that sum very carefully as a sum that people would think, "Blimey, / Yeah, / ... it must be pretty hard to guess if he's offering __ __ that's a serious chunk of wadge in str__ times of austerity. / Yeah. ... I can't be bothered to guess it for that little amount of money, to be honest. / その額だとちょっと本気で考える気にはなれないなあ。 / 400 grand. / OK. Uh ... / I'll give you a hundred quid. / OK. / A hundred quid. / How many guesses do I get? / and that reflects, A: how __ __ I am / B: How hard this is as well. / Huh, OK. / You'll never get it. You'll never get it. You won't even get ... you won't even get ... well, let's __ __ coming in / 03 101 10 / D__, you're not allowed to write in, or your sleep-clapping hundred. / デビー、君は応募してはいけないよ。 / No. Don't tell anyone either, 'cause __ __ __ __ you, presumably / そうそう。それと、ほかの人に答えを言わないでね。 / hundred pound / yeah / give / the BBC / allow / to do this anyway. So, __ __ just between me and Korkey / feel free to, uh ... if you are so bored, as usual, if you want to get in touch with a radio show on a Saturday and contact us

What have you been woken up by? ... D__ from C__ was in bed with his partner. And, at about 2 A.M., 2 in the morning, he asked her ... What? ... I presumed D__ from C__ was asleep when this happened. If you're asleep, this is funny. If you are asleep, D__ in C__, you don't say __ you are asleep / 「私は今眠っています」... って言えるってことは、起きてんじゃねーか / email / if / really funny / if you're awake, it's kind of even funnier. ... I think it is so random. ... D__ from __ was in bed with his partner, and, at about 2 in the morning, he asked her, "Do you want an Indian?" ... She told him to shut up. And he said "That's 2.99, please." ... D__, what was going on? What was going ... So, D__, in his sleep, found himself working in an Indian take-away ... very reasonable one, to be __ __ __ / extremely cheap. / Well, it depends on what she had. / Yeah. ... __ __ / it's just / she told him to shut up / he said "That's 2.99, please." ... "Hi Rhod ..." This is __ nice short one. "I find the best thing for poor sleep is to lie down at the very edge of the matress. That way I usually drop off." / __ __ D__. Thanks to you. ... "Rhod, my h__ woke me up ..." Huh, this is an interesting one, from A__ in __ / off __ __ Radio Wales listener map. "My __ woke me up by barking in his sleep. / Ha ha. That's a good one. / That's a good one, innit? / That's a really good one. / Can we hear from the people dreaming as well? I'd quite like to hear from the people ... uh ... this feature is gonna be a good one, I think. ... What is the strangest thing you've been woken up to by your partner doing? Well, could be whatever you're woken up to, but ... / by your partner doing? / also / like A__ from __ / your husband / can you tell us what was going on? Why was he barking? What was he dreaming? / like to know what sort of bark / what sort of dog / he / little ... little one / maybe he wasn't a dog / what do you mean? __ only dogs bark. / Well, maybe he was trying to talk to a dog or something in his sleep __ __ __ way forward / Yeah, yeah. / Maybe he was auditioning for a part that ... you know, as a dog ... / the point is, __ lots of knowledge __ we need / 要するに、詳細を教えて欲しい。 / yeah. ... and, now then, um ... sleep __ __ Cardiff / open __ __ can of worms / email / , which you still haven't guessed yet, by the way. Feature 1 is, uh ... What have you been woken up by? Strange things your partner's been doing. Feature 2 is, what was D__ from Cardiff ... what was her husband dreaming about? This is the start of the email that kicked the whole thing off just __ minutes ago. ... Last time / my husband woke me up clapping / he wasn't sitting up or anything / just lying there asleep, giving a gentle round of applause. ... That's a lovely way to be woken up by / when I asked him / been dreaming about ... / I said "cricket" / You said "cricket". No. / I can see why ... I can see why you went for cricket ... gentle round of applause / surprised / actually. / dreams, mate, I think __ you are ... you are being far too ... sort of, uh ... / __? / a bit rational with it, I think, a bit / literal / in ... in the daytime, __ __ a gentle round of applause / where would you be? / perfectly valid guess, cricket. / you've gotta / this is / lad / land of nod / yeah, that's a good point. / This is the land of two-headed bears on ... on / with a banjo, singing "When I'm cleaning windows" / Was he in __ Willy Wonka's chocolate factory? / ... phase of __ dust. ... He wasn't in Willy Wonka's chocolate factory / now / you need to be ... you need to be in the f__y land of dis__ed sleep. / Was he naked on the wings of a biplane? / He wasn't naked on the wings of the biplane. No. / OK. / But, definitely, now you ... you now __ more __ __ kind of __ territory / better than / was he, like, being in __ __ __ M__ / was he / tinky winky in / tele-t__y's __ __ __ casted / No. ... It's food-based. I'll give you that. / 食物に関することだ。そこはあってる。 / OK. / No hundred pound __, mate. / coming. "Morning, Rhod and Korkey. "I once, (apparently) ..." in brackets, he says / 私はかつて ... まあ、妻が言うには ... / "... woke my wife up, shouting, 'They've nicked my number plates! Phone the police!' / I was (again, apparently) looking out / with a phone in my hand. ... I, of course, can't remember this as I was fast asleep / wow / from J__ in __. ... Isn't that amazing? Fast asleep, at the window, phoning / call / nicked my number plate / looking out of the window / having that as __ main anxiety, though / you know what / I once did / I might not have told you about this / Go on. / When I was ... I don't remember how old I was. My parents would probably remember. Oh, um, actually, more likely, my victim may remember. / Yeah? / I had, uh ... / they weren't really my cousins / my god parents lived in Cardiff / yeah / and their kids __ __ kids, who were roughly / the age / brother and sister / stay with them / yeah / and, in the middle of the night, I woke up ... I didn't wake up. That's the point. / start again. Start again. / in the middle of the night, / Yeah, / I was, uh ... let's call me seven years old. / OK. / Roughly. Not far off. ... I didn't wake up, but, in my sleep, I got out of bed, / yeah, / walked down the corridor, walked into my cousin's room, / yeah, / and, as he sat up in bed, reading, I urinated all over the end of his bed ... / yeah, / ... while he sat there, just __ __ his mouth __, just staring / just completely shell-shocked ... p__ myself away __ my little superman pyjamas, walked out and went to bed / yeah / not so much as the __ bye, yo ... __ ... under the bed __ ... as I left the room, pulled the light switch, that ... that was, in head, I imagined, the flush, ... leaving him in complete darkness __ __ __ water / トイレで水を流すアレだと思ったんだろうな。電気のヒモを引っぱって消してしまった。 / Rhod Gilbert ... that ... that doesn't surprise me.

Sleep. We are on the subject of sleep. We often get the subject of sleep on this programme 'cause I have all sorts of problems sleeping. ... Uh, but this isn't about me / about / who, uh ... says, "Last night / sleep-clapping. Now that / two / what's the strangest thing / up by your partner doing, uh, which, I have to say, / off / flooding in / No.2 is, uh, What do you think D__'s husband was doing? / me and Korkey / hundred quid bet / that's a great one. Look at that one there / Korkey's just passed / email / live on air / genuine outburst of, uh, excitement about it. Let's have a look / I'll go straight / read it out / "Hi Rhod and Korkey. My dad woke himself up by catching a ball / cricket match / I wonder if / did / threw up in the air after. / Yeah. /... What have you been woken up by your partner doing? ... "Morning, Rhod. I was dreaming one night / I was fighting / shouting at me because I punched him in the mouth and split his lip. / Wow. / That's from Emma in Cardiff. ... I worry about that, Emma. I get that a lot. I get ... well, not a lot, but every now and again, I __ find myself in a dream being backed into a corner __ __ __ __ rush out ... I rush out a kick or a punch / I get very worried / if you are in bed with somebody else, you know, as you __ ... / you get worried about punching or rushing out or kicking __ __ I'm terrified of it. Sometimes I sleep on my hands just in case / worried I might punch them / really worried about / do / rush out / really / I have never done that / You've never done it? / I've done / sleep-walking stuff / dream / I kicked out once in a dream ... / Yeah? / ... kicked out ... rushed out my foot, and, unfortunately there was one of those glass-topped bedside tables ... / Awww ! / right next to the bed / one of those very sharp-cornered / glass-topped / I rushed out / instead of / kicked / with my foot practically embedded ... / Awww. / ... in a ... in a ... in a glass-topped side table at the side of the bed. ... No. __ could have been ... it could have been significantly worse / I / it was a __ing blow. / Maybe you need to tie your hands and feet together and tie yourself up to the bed. / I / I have thought about / some kind of harness or ... what do you call it? / jacket / yeah / thought about it / one of those / a film / yeah / you probably need it / get one, 'cause you're probably a liability. You're probably a real danger / padded white / I'll tell you what. I wish / last night on the, uh ... on / m__ t__ bed I was sleeping on / オレが昨日寝た、あのスプリングにシーツをかぶせただけの忍者ベッド、あれが使えるかもしれん。 / anyway, enough of that / back into it. ... "Hello again. My sister once woke me up asking me to ..." ... I love sleep. Sleep stories are great. "Hello again." Hello again. This is from, uh, / E__ / contacted / remember she / 8:55 / traffic / annoyed about it / little quicker now / good / Hello again. My sister once woke me up, asking me to pass her the tissues because ... " Right. Try and guess this. / Is __ __ cold? / tissue / No. Because T__ __ needed them. / no / she has no recollection of this / needed / for / her sister woke her up to / pass the tissues. T__ __ needs them / talking sleep today, as we often do on this show ... 'cause / a bit of / hot topic for me, having / sleep problems / I, uh ... / you know, sleep is / big in my life / my husband clicks like a dolphine in his sleep / that's from / that's quite interesting / now follow up and tell us / what happens / why is he clicking like a dolphine in his sleep? Is he a dolphine trainer? Eh? .. "My wife ..." says Johnny from Carmarthen ... / my wife, A__, woke me up singing Fog __ the Tyne in her sleep all night." ... That's from Johnny from Carmarthen. Oh, J__, thanks for that.

"Hi, Rhod. My son, D__ G__, woke up with a night t__, shouting, "Get the badger out of my bed / from / Good one. / so far, my favorite is still "My wife woke me up singing Fog on the Tyne / from J__ in C__ / that is my email of the day so far ... although / D__'s email, the one that started all this off / last night my husband / sleep-clapping / wasn't sitting up or anything / lying there, giving a gentle round of applause. / Hmm. / And, uh ... / told you / what / dreaming about / quite entertaining / earlier on, we decided we both / toilet ... sleep-toilet stories. I told you my story of when I went in to my, uh, friend / my cousin / into his bedroom in the middle of the night, fast asleep, and wee-d all over the end of his bed while he __ wat / reading, / left his bedroom / wet somebody else's bed. How cool is that? in my sleep. ... What is your sleep / very similar. Only, slightly ... slightly worse 'cause this / grown man. I mean, you were seven / my mate, Mr. G__, / yeah, / uh ... / staying / friend of ours in Cardiff / got ... had ... had a night out / yeah, / ... got up in the middle of the night, made his way sleep-walking into my mate's room ... different to yours / it wasn't / end of the bed / he actually opened the drawer / his sock drawer ... / mate's sock drawer / shut the door / that __ __ everything / All right. Good point. / __ __ / __ __, yeah. Uh ... / eyebrows / uh ... exited / yeah / straight back to his room / totally / remember any of it, of course / morning / mate / went to get his clean socks / he woke up / doing it, obviously / Oh, did he? / Yeah. / Uh ... so, then / I can top that. / Huh? / I can top that. / Are you gonna raise / my / I can raise your sock drawer. / Wow. / Uh ... first one I raise it with is / friend of mine / own room. I'll start gentle / yeah / woke up in the night / again / lovely euphemism, __ had a night out ... woke up in his own bedroom, uh ... __ didn't wake up / got up, fast asleep, / yeah, / uh, went over to his stereo, ... the old stack-stereo with the old, uh, turntable on the top __ __ tape deck underneath / all that built in one, / Huh huh, / lifted up the lid of the turntable, / Right, / See? As though it was thetoilet seat. / Yes, / went over / turntable / Wow. / all over the stereo / In fairness, / mistake / 優しい見方をすれば、ステレオってトイレに似てるよね。ターンテーブルのフタとか。 / lifted / like a toilet seat / nice little detail / that one is far more / uh ... uh ... but my topper ... / Yeah, / ... is that, uh ... my friend, M__ R__ / it was a Scottish trip, ladies and gentlemen, the Scottish trip / Wales / Scotland / M__ / went up / supporting fans, travelling fans / stayed with a guy / know / home town / night out / we had a night out / Huh huh, / and, at about six of us / staying / bloke's house / we didn't know / in Edinburgh / in school / remember / in his house / all of us / floor / very kindly / all of us / floor / Edinburgh pad / Yeah / then I woke up in the night, at about 4 A.M., to find my friend M__ R__ behind the curtain. I was thinking, "What's he doing behind it?" So / I went to get him / he / asleep / he was going to the toilet behind the curtain, ... behind the curtain, sort of __ __ __ __ facing __ ... facing out into the street / yeah / __ __ __ __ toilet / shoulders / back to bed / you know / told him off. / and I went back to sleep. ... I woke up / about a half hour later / there was some noise in the room / he was standing / sleep / TV and DVD set, and ... and DVD player. And ... straight on to the ... against the screen __ the DVD player / I thought of walking up / again, pulling him back to bed / my / staying with / guy / woke up in the morning / woke / and looked, as he did every morning, / his DVD player to see what time it was, to see the front of the clock / TV / TV box / digital clock on the front / noticed / there was no clock / oh, what's wrong with my clock / wake up in the morning / what time it is ... went over to his DVD player, picked it up to try and look at it / as he did, water, should we call it, drained from the bottom of his DVD player. ... Oh, dear, dear. ... Sleep, Eh? Sleep.

Rhod, I woke from a dream once thinking I'd just eaten / a huge beef burger / come on, now. Uh ... "Hi Rhod ..." Uh, do you remember Ann from C__ contacted the show earlier / my husband barks in his sleep / dog / Hi, Rhod / we got a new dog / I think / barking / there we are / thanks for clearing that / wakes me up / very pretty sleep face." Huh, look at this. This is from K__ from Canada. "My wife constantly wakes me up with a very pretty sleep face. She is the most beutiful woman in the world / Wow. / and I ... / is she, though, K__? / and I love her very much. / Is she? / K__, / Is she, really? / come on, mate / Love is blind, K__ / she is the most beutiful woman in the world, and I love her very much. Put this in the podcast because she / never / show live. ... On a funnier note, ... on a funnier note, my father / wakes / dreams where he falls off a picnic table." ... __ __ detail on that / detail / I like that / picnic table / he shoots up / exclaims "I fell / again / then instantly falls asleep again. The same thing's been happening for 25 years. / Wow. That's my favorite. / So far, still my favorite, I have to say, is, "My wife woke me up singing Fog __ the Tyne / simplicity about that / it's the song choice, the perfect sleep-singing song, it's Fog __ the Tyne __ __ __ classic. ... "Hi Rhod / spoke / shouting and pointing in my sleep / look at ... look at the seats / double-decker bus / That's a good one. / tell you / husband / dreaming about / dreaming about a small person trying to / from the top of a cake / top of / cake / the cake got bigger / and / stuff ... uh ... and, un ... what happened / watching somebody / cherry / little person / when they got / top of the big cake, ... / Yeah? / ... he, spontaneously, in his sleep, __ __ __ burst into a gentle round of applause.

And if you enjoyed that one, why don't you listen to the whole show? Rhod Gilbert, live on Saturday mornings, BBC Radio Wales, 11 till 1.

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